Grief can be messy and chaotic, but the human connection of conversation can provide an invaluable anchor, and the stepping stones to a life after loss, discovers Annabel Chown
I'm so glad everything’s going so well,’ a friend said, right after I’d completed eight months of chemotherapy and ‘I’m radiotherapy for breast cancer. Years later, a few weeks after my sister died, another friend said, ‘She was meant to go when she did.’
Both comments were well-intended, but left me feeling alienated. Because in the aftermath of cancer treatment, I was scared and low. And my younger sister was meant to be by my side forever, not die at 45. What I yearned for, in both instances, was to be asked how I was.
Julia Samuel, a psychotherapist and author of Every Family Has A Story (Penguin, £10.99), explains how our natural urge to want to fix things can lead to platitudes, for example, saying, ‘I’m sure you’ll be able to have another child,’ to a friend who’s just had a miscarriage. ‘But the truth is,’ says Samuel, ‘some things can’t be fixed. And what people need most is compassion. By saying, “Tell me how you feel,” you give them space to express themselves, should they wish to. And simply being with someone and listening, with both your heart and mind, is one of the most powerful – and underrated – aspects of communication.’
So, given the importance of being there for someone in their grief, why do we sometimes find ourselves frightened of doing so, or even resist showing up? On occasion, I’ve even irrationally thought that if I get too close to someone’s pain, I’ll increase the risk of that same loss happening to me.
Cariad Lloyd, author of You Are Not Alone (Bloomsbury, £18.99) and creator of the podcast Griefcast, explains that this fear is hardwired into us: ‘Millions of years ago, survival was our focus. If we discovered someone had died, our instinct was to stay away from those closest to them. Because, back then, death could be contagious. And we still carry with us that primeval instinct.’
Lloyd says it’s natural to feel discomfort around people’s suffering. ‘Most of us are so ill-educated about grief. We’re not taught how to deal with it in school; our parents don’t usually discuss it. So don’t put pressure on yourself to get it right. But do show up. And ground yourself before you speak, by pausing and taking a few breaths, so you feel safe in your own body.’
