FINANCE
(and how to nix them)
Recognising the emotions that drive your financial habits is the first step to dealing with them, says therapist Vicky Reynal
Why are some of us tormented with guilt every time we spend, yet others will fritter their wealth away? Why do some couples argue incessantly about money, and others harbour financial secrets? According to therapist Vicky Reynal, we all have unique ‘longings, fears and internal conflicts’ shaped by our experiences that express themselves via money. Left unchecked, they have the power to influence our relationships, health and financial futures.
In her new book, Money On Your Mind: The Psychology Behind Your Financial Habits, Reynal examines some of our more extreme money behaviours, from a difficulty with overspending that speaks to a deep-seated desire to fit in, to a pattern of self-sabotage that’s borne out of an inner sense of shame. Here, she shares four common challenges, and how we can go about resolving them.
OVERSPENDING
I’m often asked: ‘How do I know if I have an overspending problem?’ Most overspenders that come to see me have usually tried a few things: getting rid of credit cards, budgeting carefully, enlisting a friend or family member to report back to on their spending. But these tools and strategies can only go so far.
For some, the reason behind overspending can be quite straightforward: if you grew up in abundance with a sense that money was unlimited and your parents didn’t guide you in thinking about choices and trade-offs, you might turn into an adult who spends carelessly. For others, there’s a more intricate web of psychological and emotional reasons, such as a fear of abandonment or a desire to fit in. Buying objects can become, temporarily at least, a triumph of self-reliance, a seemingly perfect defence against an unconscious fear of being let down. And it can be our feelings from the past, such as inadequacy or even humiliation, that are sitting in our unconscious when we buy yet another pair of shoes.
Take a pen and a piece of paper and see if you can name some of the feelings behind this behaviour. Once you’ve identified them, try sitting with them. If it’s sadness you’re trying to distract yourself from when you spend, what is the sadness about? Can you find a healthier way to defend against it?
It can also be useful to think about how the purchasing starts. When do you spend? If it’s when you’ve just left a social setting, could your spending relate to insecurities about how others will ‘see’ you or your discomfort in that environment? If it’s at bedtime, is your spending triggered by loneliness?
Lastly, consider what it is that you spend excessively on. Is there a pattern in the sorts of things you purchase? Is it cosmetics and surgeries? Gadgets? Foo
