VIEWPOINT
Having been called upon by the Prime Minister to help set priorities for the country, our columnist considers his own resolutions for 2024
‘Who ate all the pies?’
No, not a chant from local football fans, but a genuine question directed at Derek. Regular readers will recall that Derek is accused of most things. In this instance, he was indeed looking a bit fuller figured, which he usually passes off as his winter plumage (the canine equivalent of big boned).
As it was January – the month for resolutions, weight loss and air fryers – I was just pleased the question wasn’t being put to me. While Derek’s sole resolution is always to catch the local squirrel (which taunts him with what I can only describe as malice), I never indulge. Resolutions are for losers who then wake up on 1 February and realise they’ve changed absolutely nothing.
I once broke my own rule and promised, in 2013, to swear less. I lasted a day. In my defence, I was interviewing some flak-catcher from Coca-Cola, who was trying to defend the amount of sugar his company was forcing down the throats of sweaty teenagers hoping to cop a feel with their dates at the local cinema. The man was so useless he deserved the word I muttered under my breath. So there I was, recalling not so fondly my arms-length relationship with resolutions when what should drop through the letterbox but a letter from the Prime Minister! Apparently, the latest occupant of Number 10 needed my help (he had the nerve to address me as ‘Dear Jeremy’, though we have never been introduced).
Before you think this the shoddiest humble brag of 2024, I should add that this wasn’t an exclusive missive. The PM appears to have written to every single citizen of the United Kingdom about our ‘shared future’ (his words). Lucky us.
The poor Prime Minister doesn’t know what to think. ‘Tell me,’ he implores, ‘your priorities for Britain’ so that he and I can ‘build that future together’. They used to say that while Etonians thought they ruled the world, Wykehamists knew they did. Even the late Harry Secombe had a sort of plan in place in case he ended up in charge. Yet we appear to have put into Downing Street a blithering idiot.
The business of politics is the business of choice. If he
