Life tools
We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t feel sadness at some points in our lives, but learning to let go will open the door to a brighter future
Every life contains pain, loss and times when our heart aches. But that doesn’t mean we can’t try to heal these wounds. Therapist and author Donna Lancaster believes that to be fully happy in the present, it’s vital to work on healing our past heartbreak. ‘When we don’t allow the time and space to feel our sadness, anger and fears – our grief about our past – then it never really leaves us. It defines our present,’ she explains. So how do we work through the effects of these tough times, draw strength from them and start to live life to the full? Here are some tips on how to begin.
OUR EXPERT
DONNA LANCASTER has worked as a coach and therapist for more than 25 years. Formerly head of teaching at the Hoffman Institute UK and co-creator of The Bridge Retreat, she is the author of The Bridge (£16.99, Penguin); deepeningintolife.com
1 SHARE YOUR STORY
Lancaster recommends starting by acknowledging the hurt and loss in your life so far. This is tough but important because, ‘If we don’t actively address past heartbreaks, our life force can become blocked and life feels heavy, like we’re wading through treacle.’
DO IT: MAP YOUR HEARTBREAK On a sheet of paper, write a timeline of the age you were when any significant hurts or losses happened. Everyday upsets can wound us deeply, so if it feels important, write it down. Think about how these past events have impacted on your life as you record them.
2 BECOME YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND
Lancaster suggests ‘making a list of all the derogatory thoughts or words you’ve used against yourself, committing to ban them and replace them with words you’d offer someone you loved.’
DO IT: BE KIND TO YOURSELF Make a list of things you like about you and behave like a great friend. Lancaster urges us to ‘commit to doing one small positive thing each day – it could be as simple as taking a short walk.’
3 WHATCAN YOU LEARN?
Once you have a clearer picture of past emotional pain, it’s time to find out what it’s saying to you now. Lancaster says sadness always has something to tell us when we communicate with it. By connecting with the part of us that’s still hurting and being honest about how we feel, we clear the path to future growth.
DO IT: WRITE A LETTER Look at your timeline and think of yourself as the age you were when you were first hurt. Who were you then? Write a letter from the point of view of this past heartbroken self to the person who wounded you. This letter is for your eyes only, so write from your heart.
4 THE POWER OF AN APOLOGY
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