Agony aunt
‘I’m not interested in sex any more but it ’s making my husband miserable’
Our new relationships expert Anna Richardson will help solve your problems
Q My husband and I are both in our 50s. Our relationship is good but I’m not interested in sex and he thinks it is a validation of our relationship. He says my libido is the problem and I should see the doctor. I am happy as I am but it’s making him miserable. I can’t see a way through.
A Ah, the age-old problem of ‘My husband wants more sex than me’. Be honest, I bet you’ve had this conversation with your girlfriends a million times over the years? ‘My husband’s a nightmare! He’s always pestering me for a quickie. Me? I’d rather have a cup of tea and a digestive…’ The thing is, until recently, I would have agreed with you 100% – we’d be conspiratorially whispering, ‘Meh. Who needs sex anyway?’ But, I’ve found myself doing a complete U-turn on this over the past few weeks.
Yes, it’s true that in midlife, women can find themselves hit by a series of challenges that rock their identity to the core. The menopause can wreak havoc on our sense of self, how our body looks and works, and our attitude towards sex. I mean, thanks to declining oestrogen it can hurt, for goodness’ sake! Something that felt so natural as young women now feels like a threat.
There’s also that sense that we’re done with breeding now – our periods have stopped, the kids have grown up, and there’s no imperative to have sex to create a family, so why bother? Of course, the positive side of the menopause is that it’s a rebirth… a liberation… a time when us girls can finally please ourselves!
However, and In your case, you’re feeling empowered to opt out of your sex life. it’s a big however – Ihate to be unsisterly – your husband is right. Sex in a healthy relationship is the glue that binds you together. It’s the bond that defines your husband as your partner, rather than your flatmate. It’s the communion of intimacy and truth that no other act can come close to. It’s essential.
A good friend of mine is in her 50s and on her second marriage – post-divorce, with six kids between them, their sex life is better than it’s ever been, even after 10 years. The secret? Communication, romance, and the biggest one
