Agony aunt
‘My partner says we should ask my daughter for rent, but I feel like a horrible mother’
Q My daughter has just started working full-time and lives at home. My partner says we should charge her rent but it feels strange to ask her for money, and I don’t want to put her off living with us. What do you think?
A If it’s any comfort, you’re not alone with this dilemma. According to the Office for National Statistics, nearly a third of 20-34 yearolds are still living with their parents in the UK – atrend that’s on the increase as a result of the pandemic, a precarious jobs market, sky-high rents, low wages and the cost-of-living crisis.
But this is a highly emotive question because it brings into sharp focus differing attitudes towards parenting and what is considered appropriate ‘nurture’.
So let’s look at it from a parent/child perspective. From a parental point of view, you have the space, you are financially stable, and it’s completely natural to want to support your child at the very beginning of their working life. Hell, you still love having them around! They make you feel needed, relevant and connected.
From a child’s point of view, staying at home ma kes them feel safe, loved and protected from the harsh realities of an unkind world. Plus they’ve got a wage packet at the end of the month they can blow on prosecco! It’s a win-win! Or is it?
The fact is, picking up the tab for your daughter so that she can use her wages as pocket money is infantilising her. Your partner is right: you should be charging her rent. Paying your own way in life is what adults do.
It not only makes someone accountable, responsible and independent, but is good practice for when they have to pay their own rent or mortgage in the future. It also changes the dynamic between you both into one that is more ‘grown up’.
If you still feel like you’re being a horrible mother, then consider taking the rent from your daughter and secretly open a savings account for her. It will soon mount up into a lovely nest egg – one that you can hand back to your girl to help her buy her very first home some time in the future. That way, you will both f
