Agony aunt
‘My son spends all his spare time watching porn - is he addicted?’
Q My17-year-old son spends his spare time locked in his room watching graphic porn – I’ve seen it on his phone and his laptop. I’m desperately concerned that it involves violence and he has become addicted to it – he doesn’t even go out with his friends any more. I’m also worried that it’s giving him a warped view of women and sex. Should I approach him, or just ignore it and hope it’s just a phase?
AI’m willing to bet that when you were 17, it was before the ‘world wide web’ was a thing, the only phone in the house was on the end of a curly wire, and you listened to your CDs on a Walkman. If you ever encountered porn, it was a stashed Playboy magazine under your boyfriend’s bed, or a glimpse of breast on a late-night movie. They were halcyon days, and pornography was in limited supply even for the most curious kids.
Sadly, things have changed, and teenagers are now exposed to the most horrific sexual images at just the click of a button. Although young people’s curiosity around sexuality is perfectly normal, when online pornography depicts degradation, sexual coercion, aggression, and exploitation of teenage girls in particular, then we need to worry.
According to the 2023 Children’s Commissioner report on Young People and Pornography, published earlier this year, porn exposure has become so normalised that kids can no longer ‘opt out’ of it. Shockingly, the average age at which children first see pornography is 13; 79% have encountered violent pornography before age 18; and frequent users of pornography are more likely to engage in physically aggressive sex acts.
Does porn give an unrealistic view of bodies, women, sex and intimacy, which in turn could affect kids’ relationships as adults? Yes. Can frequent consumption of porn potentially lead to addiction? Absolutely. So, you have 100% of my sympathy, and I can only imagine how worried you must be as a parent.
I want to urge a note of caution, though. Just because your son is holed up in his bedroom and isn’t seeing his friends, doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a porn addict. I want you to be especially alert to the signs of addiction – have you noticed mood changes, such as anger or depression? Has he lost the interest or motivation to do the things he previously enjoyed? And has he started being secretive, or lying to you? Addicted or not, the key to tackling this issue is communication – and there are three things you can do straight away. Fi
