Agony Aunt
Our relationships expert Anna Richardson will help solve your problems
‘How can I stop comparing my autistic son to my friends’ children and their achievements?’
Q My son, who is in his 20s, has autism and is struggling to find his way in life. When I listen to my friends talking about their offspring going off to study, travel the world or start new careers, I admit I feel fed up and jealous. How do I snap out of it before my poor friends realise how I really feel?
A Whenever I receive a reader’s dilemma I pick out key words that give me a kind of shorthand insight into what’s really going on. The first thing I see with you is ‘jealous’, ‘struggling’, ‘autism’ – and without knowing how much your son’s neurodiversity is affecting him in life, the person’s suffering we need to focus on here is yours.
Firstly, it’s normal to feel a bit jealous when you hear your friends proudly chatting about how their kids are storming life’s milestones. But I can assure you that each of those parents will be feeling a touch of envy too, simply because we live in a culture that fosters competition and individualism over community.
So what’s the jealousy really about? The main culprit here is the comparison game, so stop playing it – it’s a sure-fire way to make yourself miserable. There’s a reason the old saying ‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ rings true and why things like social media can affect our self-esteem. Sure, your friends’ kids might be jetting off to exotic places or flourishing in new careers, but that doesn’t diminish your son’s worth or, indeed, yours as a parent. So acknowledge that your feelings are valid but they shouldn’t define how you feel about your son. His path is unique, and that’s something to be proud of.
Now, about snapping out of it before your friends catch on – it’s all about perspective and vulnerability. Instead of focusing on what your son hasn’t done yet, celebrate his victories. Did he learn a new skill or overcome a challenge? Does he have a good friend? These achievements might seem like baby steps but they’re still progress and that’s just as important in life. If you shift your mindset from what he hasn’t achieved to what he has, you’ll find a lot more to be proud of.
Also, consider opening up to your friends. I get the impression they have no idea about your thoughts, so sharing a bit about how you’re struggling could be therapeutic. A friend who cares about you won’t judge you or your son
