Struggling to hold it together post break-up? These wise words will help you to heal
Did you know that divorce is second only to the death of a loved one on the list of most stressful life events?* But there are ways through it. Here’s how to get past this painful period with your mental health intact.
Accept that it will hurt
Even if you know it’s for the best, it’s a shock when a relationship ends. ‘Everybody copes with separation differently,’ says Sara Davison, aka the Divorce Coach.** ‘It depends on your personality, lifestyle, financial situation and whether you have kids, or if it was your decision.’ There’s no right or wrong way to feel, and you may want to stay in bed and pull the duvet over your head, but trust that the dark times will pass.
Deal with negative emotions
‘Just because we are in a difficult situation doesn’t mean that we have to be in huge amounts of pain and falling apart,’ says Sara. ‘That’s normal, but we can take control back.’ Prioritise getting your SST to hand – that’s your separation support team – those who offer legal and financial advice, and friends and family for reassurance.
Avoid wallowing
It’s important to cry and process your emotions, says Sara, and for this you will need compassionate, practical friends.
‘Not the friend who is going to come round and help you chop up his clothes,’ she says, ‘but who can give constructive advice.’ An exercise buddy who will go on walks with you or hit the gym – and who is going to hold you to doing that when you don’t feel like it – is perfect, she adds. ‘It’s important to get outside and move because that’s going to give you a natural boost to help you think clearly and make better decisions.’
Reframe your ‘sad’ story
Your brain can’t tell the difference between what’s happening now and what’s happened in the past, so every time you retell your story, you’re reliving the trauma, says Sara. And that stops you moving on. ‘It’s important to have someone to talk to, so choose a family member or friend, but don’t download to everyone,’ she says.
Face your fear
It’s OK to feel scared when you have to cope on your own and the future seems uncertain, but naming exactly what’s frightening you and planning ways to tackle it will dampen fear. Worried about finances? Start budgeting to find where you could make savings or find another income stream. ‘Clarity gives us power and dials down anxiety,’ says Sara.
Write a break-up bucket list
Write a list of all the things you can do now that you couldn’t do during your relationship.
