With enquiries about divorce rising in January, we investigate whether splits really need to be as hard as they are
It’s that time of year again. The Christmas decorations are long since down and we are kick-starting New Year’s resolutions, hoping to become better versions of ourselves. For many of us, that means re-evaluating aspects of our lives, including relationships. According to lawyers, enquiries about divorce spike in January, leading them to dub it ‘Divorce Month’. But do break-ups and divorces need to be emotionally charged and messy? With 21 January marking Conscious Uncoupling Day – which relationship experts hope will promote amicable separations – we speak to a woman who used her own divorce to teach others going through break-ups how to feel more positive.
‘WE HAVE TO LEARN THAT WE CAN BE SINGLE’
Chengi Tobun, 46, lives in Hertfordshire.
When my decree absolute arrived back in 2013, I felt like a complete failure. A single mum at 35 – it just seemed like the worst thing that could happen. Of course, nobody who gets married imagines they will get divorced – I certainly hadn’t, when I’d floated down the aisle at the age of 19 to my first serious boyfriend.
Even when we hear the statistics that over 40% of marriages end in divorce, we’re convinced we will be the exception to the rule and live happily ever after. I was distraught when my relationship began to break down. I felt so lost and alone, ashamed and embarrassed – not just for me, but for my four-year-old son. I was a complete mess of emotions. I missed being in a relationship – going to sleep next to someone every night, waking up with them every morning, having someone to share every minute detail of my day with.
I struggled through the days, busying myself with the practicalities of finding somewhere new to live in Hertfordshire and sorting out my finances to distract myself from just how broken I felt. After I’d spent a year alone, my friends and family encouraged me to put myself back out there. ‘Maybe they’re right,’ I thought numbly. ‘Maybe meeting someone else will help me move on.’ But I hated online dating and instead started doing some research into relationships, hoping to find the answers to why mine had failed, and why I felt unable to move on.
Soon I was fascinated, discovering that relationships
