SUZIE HAYMAN AND SUSAN QUILLIAM CAN HELP
I’ve discovered that he’s married!
Q I knew I was wrong going out with someone already in a relationship. But I thought he couldn’t really be in love with her if he was interested in me, and I genuinely believed he’d leave her. But now he’s confessed they got married a month ago! And he wants us to continue as before. I’m devastated and ashamed.
A I agree that it’s not clever to fall for someone who is already attached, who has already proved they’re a cheat and a liar. But please don’t waste your precious time and energy on self-blame. Instead, focus on finding a man who’s worthy of you, who’ll treat you well and who’ll put you first.
She lost her baby and is now angry with me
Q I was excited when my daughter told me she was pregnant, but I warned her not to tell other people until she’d reached the 12-week stage. She’s now miscarried, and I’m finding it distressing having to explain to friends and relatives. And she’s so angry with me for telling her I’m upset that she isn’t talking to me.
SUZIE SAYS
A surprisingly high number of conceptions still do not result in a baby, and it made sense to wait until past the first trimester before saying anything. But that was when we wrongly felt that not putting a name or a face to grief somehow made it less real. Or that it was tempting fate to speak out. But a wanted pregnancy is a real baby to the happy couple from the outset, and if it ends in miscarriage it’s far better to share that loss and to cope with mourning in the open. Tell your daughter you’re sorry and you really want to help her through this.
Devastated by the loss of my colleague
Q A colleague I’d worked with for several years recently died, and I’m surprised at how much it has upset me. My husband understands and is sympathetic, but I don’t feel able to tell my other colleagues in case theyget the wrong idea. It really was just a friendship – nothing more.
SUZIE SAYS
A You probably spend as many or more waking hours with the people you work with as the people you live with. Your grief in no way suggests your relationship overstepped
