From the ‘brain crotch’ to the afterglow, is masturbation the skin-tervention your beauty routine has been missing?
Let me set the scene: it’s May 2020 and I’m self-isolating at my parents’ house, having dinner with my family – and I cannot hear a thing. I’ve spent the afternoon holed up in my bedroom masturbating, and somehow, I’ve orgasmed myself into temporary deafness. As it turns out, it’s not unheard of; it’s an extreme reaction to orgasming. But despite having 15 years’ worth of them under my belt, never have I been unable to hear my sister ask if I can pass her the salt.
While many people spent the pandemic jade-rolling their TikTok-induced dark circles or rekindling their love of knitting, I spent mine masturbating – a result of feeling more sexually frustrated than at any other time in my life (physical contact being against the rules – to everyone apart from Matt Hancock, apparently). It was only when friends and work colleagues began to compliment my skin on Zoom calls – and ask about what new products I’d been using – that I began to join the dots. I hadn’t changed my skincare routine, but my skin had never looked better. I’m not talking about a permanent ruddy finish to my cheeks that a beauty brand could package into a blush – this was a glow happening from within.
COMEDOWN
As with most lockdown hobbies, when a ‘normal’ version of life returned, I couldn’t spend as much time on my craft as I wanted to, and my skin noticed. As the government let single people have sex again, entanglements and situationships came and went. But thanks to that thing called the pleasure gap, few such experiences added to my orgasm tally. And despite drafting in countless lotions and potions, nothing was giving me the glow reflected in the skin of my lockdown selfies.
Curious to find out if regular climaxing could bring my skin back from the brink, I decided to investigate. At my peak, with nothing to do but Words with Friends, I was averaging six or seven orgasms a day. But with the return of normal life – aiming for a minimum of three felt achievable. I devised a timetable to help me do it at the same time every day and even came up with a word for my homework: my ‘O breaks’.
On WFH days, I scheduled at least one in the morning, one in my lunch break and at least one before going to sleep at night. On office days, I’d skip my lunchtime orgasm and have one when I got home instead. At weekends, the schedule varied, but I found it endlessly easier to get the job done on days when my time was my own. But while I diligently undertook my own research, I was also keen to look into the science. Could it really be true that self-love is better for your skin
