From parenthood to job prospects, being down on your life is dominating the discourse. As research suggests this performative humbleness could be worse for women than its positive predecessor, we make the case for a middle ground
‘Genuinely, I’ve not slept in weeks,’ one friend, a freshly minted parent, says while repositioning a tea light on the wooden table. ‘I didn’t know it was physically possible to feel this tired and still drag your body around.’ It’s Friday evening; there’s cacio e pepe, house white and your friends are spilling their latest. You’ve been looking forward to the dip into girl time: the familiar cadence of your well-worn dynamic being a much-needed antidote to myriad geopolitical horrors and the drudgery of January. Another pal, who recently called off a meandering relationship, conjures up a horror story of being ghosted by someone she actually felt something for. Athird, someone you see as thriving in her career, brushes off compliments on the successes she’s posted on LinkedIn. ‘It’s nowhere near as impressive as it looks. Sometimes, I wish I never left my old job.’
Sound familiar? The sharing of negative tales of life switch-ups, from birth to looking for love, is as inherent to female bonding as compliments in club loos and group chat hype. But over the past few months, peddling a negative narrative about our own life feels like it’s gone from bit part to main character – with the wins, the joys, the flaming risks that paid off, last seen in a different year.
Of course, no one wants friends whose chat reads like a piece of personal marketing. (And mates who expect their mates to be perfectly perky fun facilitators at all times aren’t very good ones.) But experts working in the field of human flourishing believe this lack of balance could be harmful and that such persistently skewed conversations have ramifications on the way you look at the world. And, with that, your ability to reach for a better life – something that tends to require at least a little throwing of the dice.
So, as we get down to the business of designing our goals and building lives that we’re most proud of for the next calendar year, it begs the question: when did we all get so negative? Could we be so humble it’s harmful? And how – between the cringe-making flexing of toxic positivity and the perpetual downerisms that appear to have taken its place – can we chart a narrative that’s true for us and helpful for our communities?
FINDERS BLEAKERS
First, a quick word on your mental matter. Much like salty butter on a hot crumpet, your brain soaks up negativity at an alarming speed. ‘It’s evolved to be a threat detection machine – vital for keeping you safe,’ explains health psychologist Sula Windgassen. Proble
