TRUE-LIFE
I was lost in a virtual world – when I emerged, I didn’t like what I saw
Rachel Davies, 39, Swansea
My tummy rumbled as I held my wailing newborn Amber against my chest.
It was August 2012 and I’d been up with her all night.
I was a first-time mum, coping on my own, and it was hard.
Just then, the doorbell dinged over Amber’s cries and my mum Jenny, then 56, blustered in.
‘I brought you lamb chops and roast potatoes,’ she smiled.
Within minutes, Mum had
Amber snoozing in her lap. ‘Go have a bath,’ she said. Grateful, I enjoyed a soak before tucking in to the first proper meal I’d had in days.
‘Thanks, Mum,’ I said.
With no time to cook between night feeds and nappy changes, I usually scoffed ready meals, chunks of cheese and crisps.
It took its toll.
I’d always struggled with my weight, and now, aged 27 and 5ft 8in, I was 24st and a size 26-28.
Amber was a dream, but I felt really self-conscious at baby groups.
Some mums were already back in their pre-pregnancy jeans.
And it didn’t change as Amber got older.
I avoided soft play. ‘I’d never get you out if you got stuck,’ I told her. Each night, I’d cook
Amber something healthy. Then I’d shove a ready meal in the microwave for me as she slept.
I’d take Amber to school, then carry on playing
In November 2015, when Amber was 3, Mum popped round with news.
‘I’ve found a lump in my neck,’ she said.
It was cancer – within three brutal months, Mum was gone.
Amber, my dad James, then 67, and two brothers Jonathan, then 35, and Aaron, 31, were bereft.
Mum’s death left a huge hole.
Over the next few months, I went through the motions.
Took Amber to school, cooked and cleaned.
But grief never left me. Then one night I was in Dad’s living room with my brothers.
‘Rachel, you’d love this,’ Jonathan said, handing me his games controller.
It was a survival game. You had to make a base, keep a family of baby dinosaurs alive.
Fighting evil characters, trading with other players along the way.
That night, I played it for five hours.
Lost in this fantasy world, I finally felt numb. The perfect escape.
I already had an old PlayStation buried in a cupboard so I dug it out.
During the next few months, I established a new routine.
Once Amber was in bed, around 7.30pm, I’d surround myself with snacks and sit in front of the TV to play.
Chomping through tubes of crisps, sandwiches and sweets.
Some nights I’d play through the night, glugging fizzy drinks to help me stay awake.
In the morning, all bleary-eyed, I’d take Amber to school.
Then
