There’s you-shouldquit toxic and there’s toxic you can try to address, says our advice columnist, therapist Minaa B
Dear Minaa,
I’ve been in my current job for more than three years and my colleagues are some of my best friends (two of them were bridesmaids at my wedding). I really love the work I get to do at the company – not only is it challenging in an exciting way, but I’m also motivated to go the extra mile because my work has started to feel personally rewarding.
There’s just one major problem, in the form of my new (micro)manager. We’ve worked together for only a few months so far, but I swear she has it in for me. She’s incredibly aloof and the only time she interacts with me is when she’s shooting down one of my ideas or asking me for constant – and I mean constant – updates on my projects.
I’ve tried to stay positive, but lately I’ve been feeling miserable. I just can’t get past the feeling that she hates me and doesn’t trust me to get my job done. I don’t want to quit my job, but I can’t handle the near-daily stress and toxic vibes I get from her. Is there anything I can do... besides leave?
Dear reader,
If you take one thing away from this, let it be the fact that your boss’s management style has nothing to do with you. The way she works is just an extension of her internal world and how she projects it on to others. When it comes to leaders who micromanage their teams, it often means they’re struggling with their own issues of insecurity or anxiety.
Your boss might feel anxious about being new and that might be expressed in the form of asking for updates all the time or being picky aboutyourideas.She mayalso think this is the bestwayto support a team.
I’d first encourage you to think about what she might be going through in this new job. Maybe she’s having a hard time fitting in. Being mindful of that enables you to have more empathy, which often goes out the window when we’re on edge. That said, it makes sense that her style is stressing you out, especially because it seems you’re putting the blame on yourself. Thoughts such as ‘she’s shooting down all my ideas, so she must hate me’ set you up for a rough time at work. But if you can reframe your thinking from ‘she has it in for me’ to ‘the way she manages people isn’t about my abilities or ideas’, you can release yourself from some of that toxicity.
It also might be worth having a hard conversation with her because the micromanaging probably won’t stop unless someone addresses the issue. You could start by explaining how her actions make you feel. That may sound like, ‘I feel like you don’t trust me with mywork responsibilities when you ask me for updates more than twice a day
