Navigating family dynamics can be a delicate dance, and never more so than at Christmas. Bobby Twidale unwraps some expert advice on creating memorable moments
I once opened the oven door on Boxing Day only to discover the day before’s parsnips still sitting on the middle shelf. An indispensible element of my Christmas Day menu, forgotten. And no one noticed – not even me. But the meal was still great, which made me think: what could be learned here?
For many of us, treasured family traditions define the spirit of Christmas. Long after festive celebrations are over, they warm us through the dark days of winter like a cosy hug. But the season of comfort and joy brings with it a frenzy of planning and preparation – lists, messaging, negotiations, inflating the giant Santa for the front garden – the lion’s share of which usually falls on one pair of stressed-out shoulders. Christmas comes complete with a truckload of expectations, and no one wants to be the grinch who doesn’t meet them.
Every year, counselling service Relate sees an uptick in enquiries in the lead up to the festive season. Ammanda Major, head of clinical practice, says: ‘It’s not unusual to have families coming pre-Christmas. People tell us: “We have all these issues going on and Christmas is coming up.” They want to know how they can manage this time together.’
A major source of anxiety for many people in the last few years has been the cost of celebrations. If you’re the one hosting, you may feel pressure to pay for everything. ‘We’re all having to tighten our belts,’ says Ammanda. ‘There’s no shame in that. Be honest. Create a WhatsApp Christmas group chat and ask upfront what everyone can contribute.’
Help comes in many guises, not just financial. Maybe you hate clearing up? How nice would it be to relax while someone else takes care of that?
Ammanda poses one important question: ‘Is perfection really the aim? Or is good enough actually okay? If your stress levels are managed, everyone else’s will be as well.’
FAMILY DYNAMICS
Psychotherapist Rachael Misiuda (rachaelmisiuda.com) says the big festive meal is a metaphor for the dynamic between family members. Everyone comes with expectations, and involuntary yet often deeply-rooted scripts govern their behaviour.
‘In most family interactions, we have unconscious scripts we follow – we have our role within the family,’ says Rachael. ‘We might be the troublemaker, the peacekeeper, the one that always lets people down. We become so good at following these scripts, we’re often unaware we’re doing it.’
Teens bring their mobile phones to the table, provoking an argument if asked to put them away. Chefs feels frazzled and resentful if they don’t get the recognition their hard work deserves. Dads get annoyed their hungover twent
