Discover what really matters to you in a relationship and create boundaries to protect it
LIZ FROST
Many of us enter a new relationship with a similar set of ‘values’ or ‘rules’, such as: Never go to bed on an argument; talking about your ex is bad, or cheating is unforgiveable. But how many of these rules match up to our own inherent values, and how many of them are passed down to us from our parents, or even grandparents? “There are definitely some must-haves for any relationship to flourish which include mutual respect, honesty, an ability to communicate, a sense of security, intimacy, friendship and being able to laugh together,” says world-renowned therapist and bestselling author Marisa Peer (marisapeer. com). “But when it comes to the rest, every relationship is unique.”
When you think about it, we all know a couple who hardly ever has sex and is still as close as ever, yet for another couple, dwindling libidos could be a deal-breaker. The same goes for arguing – some wouldn’t be without regular heated debates, whereas too many angry words could just cross a line for others. Even fidelity is subjective. Would you leave a husband of 25 years over a drunken kiss at the Christmas party? It’s a tricky one. Some consider any form of cheating, even an emotional affair (sometimes even moreso), the end of a relationship, whereas others could forgive a minor indiscretion so long as it was just a one-off.
“It’s important that there are boundaries and ground rules that both people are happy with,” adds Marisa. “Being able to talk about your feelings and concerns as well as discussing everyday issues like household chores and finances is critical to any relationship if it is to stand the test of time.”
According to Elenor Tourini, consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic (thechelseapsychologyclinic.com), having a healthy relationship with yourself is just as important in a relationship. “That means understanding your own needs, triggers and vulnerabilities so that you can communicate them in your relationship,” she says. “Likewise, it’s important to develop an understanding of what’s going on in your partner’s mind, too. This means understanding both the things that are important to them and also what they find difficult in life so you can support them through challenging times.” So, how do we navigate this relationship minefield and identify the needs that are important to us?
Don’t expect plain sailing
Growing up on Disney movies and rom-coms, we’d be forgiven for thinking that life wi
