5 ways to get better at saying no

THERE’S A COMMON MALFUNCTION THAT OCCURS WHEN WELL-INTEN-tioned people open their mouths to say no: the word yestumbles out instead.

We’ve all been there, says Vanessa Bohns, department chair and professor of organizational behavior at Cornell University. Nois a deceptively short, simple word that can trigger several layers of anxiety for the person trying to say it. “We worry that we’re essentially communicating that we’re not a helpful person; we’re not a nice, kind person; we’re not a team player.”

At the same time, we’re likely stressing over how that nomight offend the other person, and what it conveys about our relationship with them. As Bohns puts it, you might think “it’s telling the person, ‘Your standing with me is not what you thought it was.’”

In reality, however, there’s an array of benefits associated with learning to say no. “If you’re saying yes to everything, people are more likely to ask you again and again,” Bohns says. “You wind up being the person who gets all the asks, and that can lead to burnout, problems with work-life balance, feeling like you’re being taken advantage of, and a loss of autonomy.” Plus, an inability to say no could cause priorities such as hobbies, relationships, or projects to suffer. “Each time we say yes to something, we’re implicitly saying no to something else,” Bohns points out.

Experts recommend these strategies to get better at saying no.

1. Be intentional about what you communicate

Bohns advises emphasizing three things: “It’s not because of me, it’s not because of you, and it’s not because of us.” One way to do that is by thanking people for thinking of you. Then, follow up with a short explanation: “I wish I could, but I just don’t have the time right now.” That helps make it clear that your no isn’t a poor reflection of your own character (you woulddo it); it’s not the other person (you appreciate the ask); and it’s not an indictment of the relationship (it’s simply circumstantial).

2. Buy time

If you tend to accidentally say yes whenever you’re put on the spot, find ways to buy time. You might say, for example, “Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you,” Bohns suggests. Or: “Let me check and I’ll respond by email.” That way, you can spend time privately processing the request, making a mindful decision, and if necessary, declining in whatever format is most palatable.