Agony Aunt
‘My in-laws are incredibly rude to me – and my husband won’t stand up to them’
Q I’m dreading Christmas. My in-laws are coming to stay for a few days and they’re very opinionated. Last year was ruined by an almighty row that left me in tears, as they were so rude to me. My husband knows it upsets me but he doesn’t like confrontation so stays quiet. How can I keep the peace?
A I have to admit, your question resonated, not least because it reminded me of a Christmas I once had, when my mother-in-law threw me and my partner out of her house. I didn’t speak to her for six months.
We should have seen it coming. Contrary to the picture-perfect Hollywood dream of gifts arranged under a twinkling tree, garlands adorning the stairs, and a crackling log fire in the grate, Christmas can be a time of stress, when tensions boil over along with the sprouts. There’s a reason that there’s a three-day rule for ‘friends, fish, and family’ – all go off after 72 hours.
According to one survey, more than two-thirds of Britons don’t get on with their in-laws – and whether that’s down to differing opinions or one party being critical of another, it’s a very real issue. The problem, of course, is age-old family dynamics… and the ‘mother-inlaw war’ is nothing new.
How you navigate this rocky relationship, however, will mark the difference between success and failure. So why is Christmas such a flashpoint for partners? First, there is the subconscious fight for status. Wives find themselves in direct competition w ith their husband’s mother, acting out competing roles as the homemaker and nurturer. The mother-inlaw has years of maternal expertise behind her, making her the queen bee – tension can occur when the younger woman fails to defer.
Then there’s the tricky question of who knows the son/husband better – the parents or the wife? I’m interested in your husband’s role in all of this. Sticking his head in the sand and not confronting his parents is simply avoidance, and I suspect that was his coping strategy when he was growing up too.
But he’s an adult now, and you’re his partner. Marriage
