At some point in our lives, every one of us will be affected by bereavement. Chris Marshall-Bell finds out how cyclists can help one another through the grieving process
Cyclist John Hewitt describes his relationship with his daughter Kelly as having been “extremely close, best friends.” But in late 2016, Kelly changed jobs, becoming a prison officer, and it seemed to take a heavy toll on her mental health. As Christmas approached and John tried to get to the bottom of what was troubling her, Kelly shut him out of her life. “I was distraught and extremely hurt,” the 53-year-old reflects.
His attempts to reconcile with his daughter went unanswered for an entire year – a period of not-knowing brought to an end in the worst possible way. On 21 December 2017, Hewitt received news that Kelly had taken her own life. She was 24. “I hadn’t seen Kelly for 12 months and the next time I did, she was in the mortuary,” Hewitt says slowly. He later learnt that Kelly had been the victim of bullying at work and had also been through the trauma of a miscarriage. “I don’t say this lightly: I still grieve every single day,” he adds.
Hewitt, a Northamptonshire businessman, is one of an estimated 28 million UK adults – 54% of the entire adult population – who have experienced the loss of a loved one in the last five years, according to a 2022 YouGov study. Thirteen-million of us are currently experiencing grief. Around 500,000 Britons die each year, leaving around three million bereaved – we come into contact with the grieving every day.
As a society, we British hold back from talking openly about death and grief. Mortality is too often a taboo subject, something we only refer to with black humour, masking our fear and anxiety. We will all experience grief, and we need to learn to talk about the feelings that arise and how to cope – including the role cycling can play. “The moment I started going out on my bike,” Hewitt says, “everything got a little bit better.”
Response to loss
Grief encompasses a wide range of feelings and experiences, but stripped down to a basic definition, it is a response to loss, most commonly that of a loved one. A similar cascade of emotions can also be triggered by losing your job, losing contact with a partner or spouse, or even losing a pet. When experiencing grief, a person’s emotional and cognitive functions and their behaviour are affected.
There are five accepted stages of grief: first, denial, as we are unable to absorb and understand the loss; next comes anger as we adjust to the new reality, which can be expressed or internalised; after anger comes bargaining, the phase where we plead to others or a spiritual power to change the circumstances; the
