Inner you
We all have times when we speak to ourselves much more harshly than we ever would a friend. Psychotherapist Julia Bueno explains how we can learn to silence that negative inner voice
When was the last time you heard a nagging voice in your head telling you you’re not good enough? It might be the smallest of things that triggers this; stumbling when you’ve had to speak in public, or catching a glimpse of your reflection and berating yourself for how you look. You might tell yourself you’re an idiot, unworthy or that you should have done better. If this is you, chances are you’re wrestling with your inner self-critic.
I have worked as a psychotherapist for 20 years, in university counselling services, the NHS and, most recently, my own private practice. Every day, I help people to understand themselves better. I am also hugely self-critical. I was – and still can be – prone to attacks of shame and self-loathing. It can be for the most trivial of reasons: saying something without thinking and worrying about the other person’s reaction, or wording an email in a clunky way and going over and over how I could have done it better. It was my partner who first noticed how strong my inner critic was. Having this pointed out ignited my desire to learn more about why we’re so negative towards ourselves – and more importantly, how we can stop it.
When it comes to my clients, self-criticism runs like a golden thread through almost every story that comes my way. Common triggers include social situations, such as leaving an event or gathering and finding yourself mired in judgement as to whether you were ‘interesting’ enough or whether you offended someone or made a fool of yourself. And work situations, too – not applying for a job or promotion or course for fear of failing, or agonising over a piece of work and never feeling it’s good enough to hand over or present to colleagues. Our self-critic can even affect our relationships. Very often, people hold back from forging deep connections with another person for fear of not being ‘good enough’. It might show up as commitment phobia or avoidance, or worry about dating.
Self-criticism can lead to detrimental behaviours, such as making us intense people-pleasers, acting selflessly at a heavy cost to our own needs; exhausting ourselves striving for perfection; or avoiding positive relationships and opportunities. In extreme situations, self-criticism can be the cause of severe mental illness. If you have a self-critic grabbing the steering wheel, you’re setting yourself up for an exhausting way of living in the world, in which you’re never going to feel worthy.
Research suggests that women are more self-critic
