LOSS
What do you do when life happens, and your festive celebrations no longer fit the mould? Greta Solomon shares how to find light after loss
For decades, we’ve been sold the EastEnders’ version of Christmas. A huge table; turkey with all the trimmings; crackers and silly hats; a tree teeming with presents. But most of all, family – whether squabbling, serene, raucous, or murderous! We’re also told in myriad ways – from films, to adverts, to the King’s annual broadcast – that family is the crowning jewel of the festive season. The thing that makes Christmas, well, Christmas.
The trouble is that, for many people, this simply isn’t true. In fact, according to the charity Standalone, one in five families in the UK are affected by family estrangement. Life changes can mean that, this year, you might be facing the first Christmas after the death of a loved one. Or the first one away from home. Or the first one following a separation or divorce.
But whether it’s the first, or the fifth, you’ll experience grief if something, or someone, is missing. And this grief can be complex and confusing, whether it’s a much-wanted relationship break-up, or a sudden, unexpected loss. With so much joy around, it can feel hard to find your inner light. And the brighter the fairy lights, the worse you may feel.
Creating light from loss
Sadly, in our modern society, we don’t have many socially defined ways of dealing with loss. We don’t wear a black armband to let others know we’re feeling fragile, and for the most part, life doesn’t stop. The Christmas juggernaut arrives, regardless, which is why we need to create our own tools.
‘Grief in joy is bittersweet,’ explains psychotherapist and author Gina Moffa. ‘It comes as a burst. It can be a memory, a sound, a smell, the memory of a ritual or tradition – and the very apparent understanding that that time is now in the past. Grief affects all the senses and usually comes as a wave of intense emotion that flows through you, perhaps even giving you a quiver in your body. This is your body’s way of remembering,’ she says.
‘Grief can leave you exhausted, malnourished, sleepless, and dehydrated because, after loss, you get distracted with the pragmatics of planning. Make sure you drink enough water, eat enough nutritious food, rest,and get enough movement,’ says Moffa.
Feeling festive your way
Christmas doesn’t have to involve a table and a turkey, although if you
