BY ANGELA HAUPT
A greatest-hits soundtrack produced by self-criticism would sound something like this:
You should have done better on that project. Why isn’t the house cleaner? You tanked the whole soccer game! You’re a bad parent, an even worse colleague, and a sorry excuse for a friend. And you’re wasting so much time right now that you’ll be late—again.
The tendency to engage in negative self-evaluation afflicts almost everyone. “People treat their self-criticism as though it’s part of themselves, like their eye color,” says Rachel Turow, a Seattle-based clinical psychologist and author of The Self-Talk Workout. “They say, ‘Oh, I’ve just always been my own worst critic.’ And a lot of people don’t realize how damaging it is.”
Listening to your loud inner critic is a habit—not a fixed personality trait, Turow clarifies—often exacerbated by childhood trauma, emotional abuse, bullying, sexism, homophobia, and social mediah use. It can also be a form of self-protection: If you’re mean to yourself, “then nobody else can hurt you as bad as you’re going to hurt yourself,” Turow says.
But there’s good reason to work on silencing self-criticism, which has been found to worsen depression, anxiety, disordered eating, juvenile delinquency, self-harm, and suicidal behavior and ideation. (In some cases, it’s a reciprocal relationship: depression also triggers self-criticism, an effect researchers have found is particularly pronounced for teen girls.) People with higher levels of self-compassion, on the other hand, are less likely to experience mental-health challenges.
Fortunately, plenty of tools can help us talk more kindly to ourselves. We asked experts to share their favorite ways to overcome critical self-talk.
1. Investigate the origins
The first step to thwarting self-criticism is understanding where the thoughts originated, says Tiffany Green, ao psychotherapist in Chicago. When her clients say negative things about themselves, she often asks them, “Where did this come from? Who was the first person you heard say this about you?” The response tends to be revealing: maybe their mom called them lazy, or their grandmother told them they needed to lose weight. “It starts to feel like a light bulb,” Green says. “It allows them to say, ‘Maybe this doesn’t need to continue.’” The experience is a helpful way to separate yourself from critical thoughts, she adds, rather than accepting them as your own.
2. Set up a self-criticism jar
Every time you catch yourself engaging in a critical thought, throw a coin or piece of paper into a jar. Green recommends displaying it somewhere that’s ultra-vi
