Agony aunt
‘I don’t need to work because my husband supports me – but I feel unfulfilled and guilty’
Q I’m 48 and married with two children. Thanks to my generous husband, I don’t need to work to make money. The trouble is, I feel that I haven’t accomplished anything in life. Friends tell me how lucky I am and say that I ought to be happy, but I can’t stop feeling horribly sad. I feel guilty about this, as I know how privileged I am.
A On the surface, this looks like a lovely problem to have. A stable marriage, two healthy children and none of the financial pressures that most of us are bearing right now with the cost of living crisis. Plus, not having the stress of an unsympathetic boss, office politics or the struggle for equality that many women face in the gender pay-gap scandal. So your life may appear, to some, frankly idyllic.
But what seems like one woman’s heaven is another girl’s hell, and I would never underestimate the pain of somebody else’s reality, however far from the norm it may be.
Funnily enough, I have two girlfriends who are in a very similar position to yours. Both have wealthy husbands who pay for their lifestyle, both have happy children, properties abroad, regular holidays and a full lunch diary. But whereas one feels empty, disconnected and out of touch with society, the other feels engaged, motivated and needed.
So what’s the difference in how they perceive the world? Two things, both of which are essential to a sense of fulfilment: purpose, and what it means to be ‘happy’. What you’re experiencing is an emotional emptiness that is causing you to feel disconnected from yourself and your friends. And what makes this emptiness worse is that we tend to blame ourselves for it. You say that you feel guilty about your sadness – as if you shouldn’t be suffering it in the first place. You’re aware of your privilege but you know in your heart that something fundamental is missing.
So let’s talk about the first fix – your purpose. According to one US study, there are four different types of purpose that people pursue. The first is ‘Prosocial’ (in other words, helping others and influencing society), then there’s ‘Creative Purpose’ (your artistic goals), ‘Financial Purpose’ (financial stability), and finally, ‘Personal Recognition’ (our need for respect).
People vary in terms of whic
