EMOTIONS
Learn to explore the feelings that fuel your fury, and let true healing take hold, writes Emma Cooling
Even the most serene of us feel angry at times – it’s nature’s response to threat – but when it becomes our baseline condition, or feels disproportionate, it’s time to address that wrath.
Anger has a debilitating capacity to distract and consume us, crippling our productivity. It can destroy relationships and startle us with its ferocity. When we struggle to focus on a task because someone has riled us days earlier, or are unable to switch off at night after a seemingly minor disagreement at work, then we need to unwrap this emotion. According to experts, our anger is often a symptom of other, unaddressed emotions. If left unchecked, the long-term effects of anger can include increased anxiety, high blood pressure and headaches – and, let’s face it, we are never the best versions of ourselves when we’re in its grip. So how can we move on from our fury? Unravelling our anger could be the only way to help us break the cycle – the alternative is to let it linger and stay stuck in a destructive state.
Spotting the signs
Learning to recognise when anger needs addressing is the first step towards dealing with it, says anger management specialist, psychotherapist Florence Terry, who has been working in the fields of anger and conflict for more than 30 years. ‘It’s crucial to distinguish between anger and aggressive behaviour,’ says Terry. ‘Anger is a feeling; an emotion. I see anger as like a smoke alarm – a signal that there’s something we need to pay attention to. People often think they shouldn’t feel angry, but I recommend taking a curious approach; an interest in the reason for the anger – followed by action based on that. Because what you resist, persists: if we are critical of our feelings of anger, rather than guided by them, we’re likely to become even angrier.’
Many of us will have regretted outbursts or episodes of behaviour that were fuelled by anger and did not reflect the essence of who we are – if these episodes become frequent, this indicates that we need to take action, says Terry. ‘Anger can lead us to say or do things we regret. If that’s happening with any degree of regularity – if it is damaging your relationships, your children’s emotional wellbeing, your self-esteem, or your job prospects – I would recommend investment in anger management. It’s shame that makes us think: “Do I really need anger management?”, and “Is my anger bad enough?”, rather than simply asking: “Do I think I could benefit from anger management?” Anger management – and assertiveness, which is part of it – are life-enhancing skills.’
For Terry, an important part of tackling our anger is removing this shame, which can be brought about by talking more about it with th
