Straight-talking woman

Older & bolder

One of our favourite comedians, Helen Lederer, has finally sent imposter syndrome to Room 101

When I started out as a comedian, I really, really wanted to be successful.

In my early 30s, I’d scour the newspapers for TV auditions and call cabaret venues to offer myself up for gigs. Paradoxically, the day of said gig would be spent feeling sick with nerves. So why did I want to be funny in public, if this made me feel like an outsider and terrified of failure?

One of my therapists announced that I had ‘above average’ anxiety, adding ‘for someone who hates authority figures, failure and being humiliated in public, you’ve chosen a career that would most likely offer all of these’.

And she was right. Imposter syndrome was always with me, because the pressure to be funny was constant. The shame of seeing someone yawn, groan or look at their watch would stay with me for weeks. If I was told I was funny, I wouldn’t believe it, in case I messed up the next gig. I loved making people laugh, but felt there was something wrong and even boastful about it. If I told people I was a woman comedian (that was how I was billed on the poster), it was seen as audacious. Especially in the 1980s, when female solo performers were rare.

I’m sure this worry about ‘boasting’ stems from my childhood when ‘showing off’ was often discouraged. At the back of my mind, there was an underlying fear that instigating fun, being a bit ‘bold’ in a group or, even worse, ‘dominant’, was not something to be proud of. If I got praised for being funny, I’d play it down, in case I got judged.

As my comedy career began to take off, I found myself mixing with celebrities, which made me feel uneasy. I’d apologise, talk too much, use a different voice or make a silly face. Why? Because I didn’t feel like one of them, but I didn’t feel confident enough to be me. I could never shake the feeling that I wasn’t posh enough, clever enough, thin enough or showbizzy enough.

My new book, Not That I’m Bitter, reflects on some of these disasters, including one occasion where I was giving a speech and handing out awards in front of Princess Anne. The audience were a variety of fashion exporters from around th