BY ANGELA HAUPT
APOLOGIZING IS HOW WE COEXIST AS IMPERFECT BEINGS. YET FEW OF US KNOW HOW TO DO IT well—and not defensively. “We immediately turn to excuses, justifications, reasons why the victim provoked us,” says Karina Schumann, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh who has researched the barriers to apologizing. Just as often, apologies don’t happen at all out of fear that they’ll be uncomfortable or ineffective. But sincere apologies bring a host of benefits to the person delivering the message and the one receiving it. They help solidify relationships and mend trust, both of which can lower stress and improve mental health. Research has found that those receiving apologies can experience improvements in blood pressure and heart rate, as well as increased activation of empathy-related brain regions that set the stage for forgiveness andr reconciliation. If you’re ready for your mea culpa moment, here are five keys to apologizing well.
1. Don’t rush into it
Apologies are better late than early, says Cindy Frantz, a social psychologist at Oberlin College who has researched how timing influences apology effectiveness. “What we found is that there can be a temptation to offer an apology quickly,” she says. “It’s an effort to shut the whole incident down and move on. And that benefits the perpetrator, but it doesn’t meet the needs of the victim.” You can’t deliver an effective apology until the injured party believes that you fully understand what you did wrong, she says. “If the apology comes before that, it’s not going to be seen as sincere.”
2. Start with specific words
Use the words I’m sorry or I apologize.
Opting instead for phrases like I regret or I feel bad about what happened often results in nonapologies, which “have the vague contours of an apology, but don’t actually get there,” says Marjorie Ingall, co-author of the new book Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies. (See: the classic “sorry if you were offended” or “sorry, but ...” approaches.) Plus, saying you regret something puts the focus on you and your emotions, when it needs to center squarely on the wronged person’s feelings.
3. Accept responsibility
Why should you apologize if you’re both at fault? That’s exactly the question many people struggle with, Schumann says—and certainly, there often is dual responsibility. “But I like to encourage people to really focus on taking responsibility for the parts of the conflict that they’re responsible for,” she sa
